I look into the mirror and a human face stares back at me. It looks so pale with sunken eyes that don’t seem to have had enough sleep. This is my face, I think miserably to myself. Lack of sleep has taken its toll on me.. or is it teaching my kids? Or is it the never-ending housework? Wait, it might be that stinging longing for my family.

Yes, missing my parents has taken its toll on me. I want my mom right here, right now, like a crying toddler in desperate need of her mom. I can no longer keep my bubbly smile and positive attitude during my parents’ video calls. I break down sometimes. Choosing to live abroad definitely has its cost. It has never been so painful. I have always liked being an expatriate in another country, visiting Egypt on annual vacations, but right now it feels like the worst thing ever.

Maybe this global pandemic is what makes it worse and worse. Covid-19 has affected us in ways we never half expected. I want to cry from the bottom of my deeply broken heart. Everything suddenly becomes a burden.. Ya Allah, have mercy on our tired souls! The sheer act of getting out of bed in the morning becomes a daily struggle.

I feel like I’m not living my life as enthusiastically as I used to. Not even slightly. I am merely going through the motions, trying to show up as a wife, mom and daughter. I am not happy from within though. I’m not sure whether I am unhappy, dissatisfied or outright outraged at my situation.

I keep telling myself things like: “It’s just a phase, Khadija”, “All of this shall soon pass”, “This time will be remembered as a distant memory”. I see a flickering candle at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it doesn’t blow out before I reach it. I hope I get out of the tunnel alive to be honest. I half smile, half frown at this final, raw thought.

You know what, though? I am usually reminded by Allah’s Supreme Justice. He will never put me through this hardship unless He wants me to gain rewards. He must make it easy for me at some point. He will never leave me alone in this tiresome journey of life. I am created weak as is the rest of His creation but He is the most Powerful. At this, I stop my rant. May Allah forgive me my shortcomings and make things easy for me and grant me sakeena (tranquility).